I want- Future tense.
I am - Present tense.
I - The constant in the equation.
Every NY Times Bestselling motivational book carries a piece of the narrative "I worked for years to get to this point". Though, what I never really grasped was the weight of the word years. Years in the context of a singular sentence sounds peachy. I used to think "Oh it only took five years; I could get through a timeframe like that". But the reality of 1,835 days came in like Miley's Wrecking Ball around day 400. Leaving a pile of collateral damage scattered along the way.
I've wanted to move to New York for a long time. I've wanted to pursue my dreams of big city living. Now, I am. I am here and it seems like every few days, I find myself gazing up into the sky recalibrating my sense of space and time. Those "pinch me, so I know it's real" moments. What I also feel? Is the pesky "I want" starting to creep up in my behavior again. I want to upgrade my style. I want to discover all the trendy places. I want to travel to visit people. I want to figure out how to bring my passions to life here. Which is all fine and dandy, until it starts to shake stuff up. Until it starts to trick me into believing I have a lot of needs that aren't being met. When in actuality, what I want isn't always what I need.
I've been trained most of my life to channel hyper-focus toward "I want". Many of us have been conditioned to be this way. The "pursuit of happiness" is just that: a never-ending pursuit toward all that we desire. We focus more energy on what we don't currently occupy and obsessively plan out how we're going to obtain it. Yet, just as quickly as we get something, we're instantly off to the next. Again, I think it is just something we're naturally trained to do through societal norms and projections. We are all Veruca Salt from Willy Wanka and The Chocolate Factory. Only we can't get brought back to reality by being deemed a "bad egg" and falling through a giant chute.
Being in the city is creating a stark contrast of what I want vs. I am. Upon arrival, I thought I knew what I wanted and who I was. I had my pursuit of happiness plan allll mapped out. Now, I'm taking time to understand why I want to do things and who I really want to be. I ask myself the five questions below more than ever lately:
Why am I choosing to do [ ]?
Who, if anyone, am I doing [ ]for?
Why do I believe [ ] about myself?
Where did this notion of who I need to be come from?
What actually makes me feel at ease when I think about the future?
I mentally fill in the details, answer by answer, for different areas of my life. Some I know the response right away. For others, I begrudgingly attempt to convince myself I don't know the answer (when deep down I do). I laugh, get a little teary, and even a bit besides myself sometimes. All leading back to the crossroad of battling with where I am and where I want to be.
Sure, many of us want to have killer credit, own property, treat ourselves to elaborate dining, travel the world, have our soulmates, build families, and allll the other societal checklist goals. What I think we often fail to recognize is all the "life" sandwiched in between those milestones. As one of my favorite fictional characters says, "Life is what happens when you're waiting for the table". What is happening around us while we wait for [insert accomplishment]? What is happening while we feverishly pursue the next level of happiness? Stuff is happening. A ton of really cool and meaningful moments.
I want- Future tense.
I am - Present tense.
I - The constant in the equation.
I want- A lot of things. Will I have all of them by 2019? No. Will I have them in my lifetime? I have no idea. Will I work toward them? Yes. Will I let them negative define the quality of my present life? Not anymore.
I am- Many things. Will I be all that I want to be by 2019? No. Will I be all of these things in my lifetime? Depends. Will I let external pressure shape me? No. Will I shift my focus to start acknowledging what I already like about who I am? Yes.
I- determine what I manifest into my life. Today, I choose to slow down for a little and take in all that surrounds me.
I hope you'll do the same. You might not be who, doing, living, or have what you want. Just take time to understand where you are right now. Be thankful for this time and space because one day...you'll realize just how wonderful it was.
Sending love and light always.
Sincerely,
Shelby