The chasm splits deeper and suddenly you find your computer nestled into your lap at 2:30 am. The pressure of thoughts and feelings slowly rising out of you in the form of keystrokes.
I've been trying to write lately, but every time I sit down, I can't. I want my words to be coherent and clear, but somewhere along the way, you realize nothing is ever fully in a state of clarity. Somewhere along the way, you realize it's not about the perfect post, but instead just tapping into your art again. Providing transparency and truth.
I'm in the MOST UnComFoRtAbLEEEEE phase of my entire life. I would be remiss not to share these feelings. I'm very fortunate and blessed to have the life I live, but also it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I'm constantly wrestling with the process of change.I want to be better, stronger, faster, sharper (insert every adjective). Imposter syndrome courses through my veins.
"Be like your idols."
"Hustle hard."
"Rise and grind."
"Be afraid and do it anyway".
I chant internal battle cries daily and Gary Vee's posts haunt me in my sleep. When really, I just want to stop feeling like I don't belong in a room full of C-suite executives. I want to stop questioning my worth as a professional. My god, I actually just want to buy groceries and not have them go bad for once.
Last year I started my mentorship business "The Sitch" and I had to shut down because I moved. It broke my heart because I was SO passionate about helping young women and excited to collaborate with other ladies I admire. However, it was just. not. physically AND feasibly possible to run while working a full-time job and transitioning my entire life across the country. And for the last 8 months, I've carried this insurmountable feeling of failure and guilt. As If I'm weak because I'm not a 20-something running a creative startup. "Back when I was 27..." statements from older generations create this weird scale of comparison. As if I don't already battle insecurities in a hyper-sharing, social society. From sponsored ads to banner links, I'm hooked into the spellbinding misconception that I need more to be my best self.
Is it not enough to just be alive and healthy, with a roof over my head? Yes, we have the same 24-hours in a day as Beyonce (and I adore her), but she also lives a lifestyle like 1% of the world. Let's cut ourselves some slack.
But wait, who am I kidding?
I AM THE adult now.
No more looking around the room and wondering who is in charge. It's kinda terrifying. Like when I first had to drive on the freeway at 16. Speaking of 16, my 10-year high school reunion is next spring and all I can think about is what my life will be like. What will I be able to go back and say? Friends I used to party with are now throwing birthday parties. The paradigm shift is unreal. And here I am, sometimes still getting caught up in feeling like I haven't surmounted to enough.
Somewhere along the way you realized Drake was right and "nothing was the same". I've grown to a point where I feel caught in between who I thought I was and who I now aspire to be. My interests have changed. I want to try things I've always been afraid I'll be judged for. Like maybe this summer you'll catch me in one of those weird neon spandex, unitard short jumpsuits all of Hollywood is wearing. lol Seriously though. My perspective has shifted and conversations are getting deeper. I'm starting to realize all the things I neglected as my younger self. My internal voice has grown again and sometimes I feel uncomfortable trying to be "Good old Shelbs". Sometimes, I don't want to continue on with the precedent I set for myself and others in the past. Maybe I don't want to be the doormat anymore? Maybe I don't want to maintain a smile on my face anymore when I know you talk shit behind my back. Sure, I'm guilty too. I've talked and thrown my shade over the years, and I regret it and it's not who I want to be in the future.I honestly realize how exhausting it is to keep appearances. We're too old for "frienemies". The older I get the more I realize I just want to be around people who can reciprocate good energy and have real conversations. But with all of these realizations, fear creeps sets in that if I relinquish who I was, I'll have nothing. If I don't hold onto the past, I just don't know what will fill it's place.
BUT..somewhere along the way you stop listening to the negative voices in your head. You start to re-discover value. In your time, your thoughts, and your identity.
I'm aware of what brings light into my life and I'm gravitating toward them more. I'm starting to worry less about if I belong and just carving out my space little by little. I've started to realize allllll of these feelings are normal and so many other people are feeling them. So, no. Maybe this isn't your typical inspirational PSA, but it's real. I'm here to tell you it's okay to feel like you're caught in-between two worlds. It's okay to be afraid of the future. It's okay to literally feel like you're just scraping by. Because you know what? That also means you're living. It means you're allowing yourself to blossom. It means you're trusting the process. There are people who will wake up today and not live to see tomorrow. Stop losing yourself in the future and realize what you have in front of you now.
I don't have the answers and I'm nowhere near perfect. See my life on social and take it for what you want, but recognize the beauty in your journey too. We're all doing our best with what we can. You are crushing it, even on the days you feel like "it" is crushing you. Just keep moving forward and stay optimistic that somewhere along the way, it will all make sense.
Sending love and light always.
Sincerely,
Shelbs
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