I haven't been able to write a solid blog piece in almost two months (an eternity from a writer's perspective). I clung to the idea I needed to combine all my sentiments into graciously-wrapped package.
Here’s the thing though.
I had it wrong this entire time.
Grace can be married to grit. Love can be gentle, but tough love has the power to heal wounds too. Kindness can stand equally next to strength. Dignity does not diminish when asking for respect. All these word pairings can and DO co-exist in the same dimension.
For the last 26 years of my life, I refused to acknowledge this. I didn't want to come face-to-face with the fact a huge portion of my identity was changing. So, like every popular internet article, uprooting my life actually did fuel my creative power to conquer the beast.
I've been in New York two weeks and I can already see how people survive here. They speak up. Whether it's making sure they nestle themselves into the last unoccupied space of oxygen in the subway, or dominantly asserting they are next up for the register. They make space for themselves. Protect their personal energy. Manage their time and allocate it to what matters. And contrary to popular belief, many of them still do it with charismatic kindness.
I always grew up believing kindness was not expressing how I felt. "Don't say anything if you don't have anything nice to say at all." Which yes, in certain circumstances, be quiet. However, for faaaarrrr too long, I became too comfortable with the narrative "being cool with everrrryyyone and everttttything made me who I am". Well...it is not who I am; it is a piece of who I am. A piece I've let navigate and weigh down my heart for many years. I don't start drama and I'm all about good vibes. However, it is literally not possible to be "cool" with everyone, because everyone is not meant to be in every season of the rest of your life.
So, here's another thing.
I AM the loving, open-armed Shelbs. I care deeply about others' feelings, but this summer... my arms got tired. And instead of holding them out until they fell off like broken branches once again, I protected them. I became quiet and started paying attention to what type of seeds I sowed into my personal life. I stopped extending my olive branches out to people who talk about me and cut them down with their words. I pulled back from people who pretended to be watering my roots, while subtlety ripping them out of the ground, assuming I wasn't aware (I peep passive aggressiveness). I got tired of forced conversations, artificial hugs and lapsing on plans. I held back on sharing my personal business in order to protect it from circulating through the gossip mill.
I refrained from putting myself in situations I knew were not advantageous to my future. I quit running on empty for the sake of running empty. I stopped committing to a million things and making promises I wasn't sure I could keep. There were so many days I couldn't even afford to do half the stuff I was doing, but there I was, scraping up change to make appearances. I stopped behaving as if I couldn't pull myself together and started to gather my reality back, piece by piece. I dived into becoming self-aware while confronting my personal demons. I stopped giving every little piece of me away in hopes for a double tap.
Instead of trying to play for keeps, I decided to cut my losses.
In every area of my life.
In January, I deemed 2018 as "The Year It ALL Changes". I just didn't realize that change would include facing the realities I kept running away from. Just because I have 1,388 followers did not mean I had 1,388 friends. Smiling for two hours at an event did not mean I met the qualifications to be "in". Choosing to convince myself to take the high road did not grant immunity against the sadness. I now feel at peace with these feelings and my words are not meant to be whiny, attacking, or malicious. They are simply just a matter of fact for my life moving forward. If I continue to worry about pleasing everyone, I will spin my wheels for another 10 years. If you take offense to them... well don't take it personal (and read The Four Agreements because it's a phenomenal book that talks about how to not take things personally.) I couldn't write because I was honestly afraid this new voice would be "too much" for my audience. Then I realized, what are YOU writing for? Let go of an "audience"! What feeling is in your chest? What do you need to write out?
I will take ownership of my faults, but one mistake I repeatedly made was bearing the crosses of others' faults as if they were all mine. I can exude positive energy while still also conveying opinions and truth. I can be extremely open while also being observant. I'm Shelby. I will still smile and show you humility and warmth. I will still choose hugs over handshakes. I will still be someone you can feel support from and will help you fix your crown back. Though, I will now also start respectfully protecting my energy. I will communicate how I feel and discuss emotions. Being nice doesn't mean I have to be a doormat. Being open doesn't mean I grant permission to be taken advantage of.
I didn't write for the same reason a lot of us don't talk about it.
No one likes to admit that being adult means losing layers of that early twenties, carefree freedom. Where we were all united by school mascots and red solo cups. Where we laughed because we were all on the #strugglebus and traded stories about our insane adventures. Adulthood serves up the reality you can't do a million and one things on no sleep and eight cups of coffee anymore. It's a time where you realize certain parts of yourself just aren't "you" anymore and sometimes, monumental archetypes in your life are a part of the collateral damage of change. Growing up is where all the things we're told not to talk about (Race, Money, and Politics) actually come into play and start affecting your perspective. Because the "Real World" definitely sees all of these topics and each one impacts our daily realities. All of this is hard to face and I know soooo many of us are feeling it. We're just choosing to wash it out with self-care Sundays and IG-worthy happy hours. When really we need to just talk about the elephant in the room, not just pet it lovingly.
This is the year everything has and will continue to change for me. I couldn't write the last two months because I needed time to develop this voice and courage. Right now, I feel bare, exposed, but it is the lightest I've felt in ages. I feel myself progressing and getting brighter every single day because I have room to flourish.
It was my cut-off season.
If I can challenge you to do anything, it would be to take inventory of your life. Cut down branches, stop bad habits, let go of toxic energy, and make space for all that actually matters. Just like you chop off your dead ends to help your hair grow, maybe it's time to start doing the same in other areas of your life. I promise you will feel so much better when you start pruning and shaping the life that fits you. You will cry, you will feel weird, and you will feel low. However, you will also rise, you will have fun, you will become more comfortable in your skin, and you will move forward everyday knowing you are exactly on the path you should be.
Stop trying to hold onto the past.
Be free.
Sending love and light always. :)
Sincerely,
Shelbs
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