(Spoiler alert: You are allowed to say it)
No one, I repeat no one has allllll their "ish" together. Especially the girl behind this keyboard, who always tries to encourage you. For the positive talks, inspirational quotes, motivational messages, there are just times where you hit the ultimate, emotional wall. Often times, the reason we reach this point is because we're afraid to express our emotions. We're afraid to say no. We hide and internalize how we feel about everything, until it starts pressing against us in every way. We can only say "I'm okay" enough times, or not fully explain your hardships, until it starts to reflect in our behavior. The fog becomes so dense trying to convince everyone you have it "all under control", until it backfires. You start to seem undependable, unreliable...leaving people to wonder if you're actually a genuine person. Feelings which most people won't express to you until it has a damaging personal impact.
When you reach the point (like I did today), you can take one of two crossroads. You can lay down and let it crush you, or you can get up. I'm feeling all sorts of ways today, but I'm doing the latter.
Misconception #1: Saying no means you're being selfish.
Be honest with yourself. What exactly are you doing to keep getting to this point of exhaustion? For me, I keep being "Yes gal" when I need to just chill tf out and stop trying to pretend to be superwoman. (hmmm the millionth time I wrote about this one right?) Go one step further and deeply analyze why you keep doing this to yourself. For me, it's the fact that my entire life I've always felt like I had to prove myself. Prove myself as a good kid, prove myself as the fun, supportive friend, prove myself as talented and capable student, prove myself as not just another unfairly, stereotyped statistic.
But if you're continuously saying yes to others to prove yourself, truth is, you're bound to continuously let people down. Because at the end of the day, I wholeheartedly believe it is possible to be the greatest version of yourself, BUT what is great to you? Not your family, not your friends, not to the image you're trying to build. What does that mean to you and only you, for this exact time in your life? Regardless, of how you think it might affect people, follow your gut and what is right for you. Putting yourself first is not selfish, when it comes to this matter.
Misconception #2: People will be happier if you say yes, than saying no.
Being honest with people sometimes equates to facing hard truths we try to avoid. Better yet, we tend to try to figure out ways to please everyone at once, despite knowing it's probably not the best idea. In a situation where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, take the lesser of two evils. Yeah, people might be disappointed in you when you say you can't do something initially. However, they're going to be a million times more disappointed if you say yes, and then fall through. You owe it to them and yourself to save the heartache. Just say no. Say this isn't the right time for me to do this. Just say right now, I can't take that on.
Misconception #3: Saying no means you lack ambition or don't have the capacity to be a successful person in life.
This is the one I struggle with most. If you read my blogs, you know how passionate I am about empowering people to chase their dreams. However, I feel it's also important for me to be real and share things I've learned the hard way. In society, there such a negative connotation with turning things down. Saying no is often portrayed as being weak or unable to manage time. I can't tell you how many times I've heard something along the lines of, " it's possible to do it all, you just have to commit." Yes, commitment, time management, and organization is CRITICAL to any successful person. Working on these three traits is truly changing my life right now. But understand with that statement, there are still variables as to why we are all different in our capabilities and pursuits. Majority of big names chase their dreams, but also feel empowered to say no to things. I just saw an interview with Lady Gaga where she talks about how she simply started telling her agents "no" to appearances and events that took away from her true passions.
Just because you can't work 40 hours, sit on five organization boards, go to school, listen to podcasts, read books, spend time with friends, handle family matters, volunteer, be involved in the community, and take care of your home, all at once does not make you inept. We so quickly tend to compare ourselves to others form of "greatness", that we lose sight of how we can make an equally beautiful impact and contribution in our own way. i.e. instead of trying to commit to five organizations, be a rock star in contributing to two. You can read every self-help book in Barnes and Noble, but if you're over-committing, you will continuously run into the same problem.
What do you value and in what order? To start, who are the important people and obligations in your life? Every single opportunity appearing in front of you, isn't necessarily meant to be seized at that moment. It's easy to get caught up in the "If it's happening now then it's the only time it's meant to happen". But this is where we easily get caught up in saying yes too often. The next time an opportunity comes your way, say "This sounds awesome, and let me get back to you on it soon. I just have to consider some stuff." In no way is that rude, and it's sincere. It also breaks the cycle of letting people down.
Stop convincing yourself taking on the entire world is proving your worth. Because it's doing absolutely nothing, but stretching you too thin. Even with time management to the fullest (planners, google calendar, morning routines, all of which I have), there is just not enough hours in a day or a week to fit EVERYTHING. Which is completely okay. People who genuinely care about you will understand. It might take them time to come around, but they will understand. And saying no also doesn't mean you eternally owe them. You should not feel like an indentured servant because you made a choice with your self-interest first at heart. You said no. Life will go on.
Misconception #4: You aren't allowed to be upset, because you brought this on yourself.
We all screw up. It is literally the foundation for personal growth: making mistakes. If you've said yes one too many times, and find yourself overwhelmed, take a second to let it go. Cry, go running, exercise, dance in a studio by yourself, drive and listen to music, let your walls down to a friend, anything. Just let the emotion out of your body. Suppressing your emotions is the easiest way to continue the negative cycle. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be pissed off and angry at yourself. It's okay to sit in silence and just breathe. You are allowed to do that and don't feel ashamed for doing so. Just DON'T rest idly in that low place. leading to my one solution.
Solution: shake it off and keep moving in the right direction.
As Olivia Pope would say, "Fix it". You dropped the ball? Pick it up. You disappointed someone? Apologize and work to fix it. Planning for the months ahead? Sit down, prioritize, prepare, and figure out the load you can truly manage. Don't allow a falsified idea of (excessive productivity=worth) to stop you from seeing the light of your future and who you want to become. You are more powerful than your circumstances, because for the most part, you control them. Take control of your life, because it's yours. Stop letting expectations control your thoughts and actions. Live for you and the rest will fall into place as it should. Sometimes this is the only way to truly see if everything we keep striving to have in our life, is actually meant to be. You GOT THISSSS!!
AND SAY NO WHEN YOU NEED TO. :)
Sending love and light always . <3
Sincerely,
Shelby