Here I am, eating a homemade house burger on my bedroom floor accompanied by Netflix. Boyfriend is back home in Sacramento and everyone else in the house on vacation or away. I couldn't afford to go home because adulting requires making adult sacrifices. I've already called all my peeps and sprinkled my "Miss you, Merry Christmas messages". I have enough money in my bank account to buy few subway rides and a pizza (passing on the pizza because #priorities).
What is it like to spend the most commercialized holiday alone and broke?
To be honest, I'm okay, especially since I'm currently not drowning my sorrows in social media scrolling (see my previous on self-care). I also attribute my contentment to just being grateful. This is what I wanted. Well, maybe not being alone for the holiday, but being here in New York. Living out the "Struggling millennial chasing her dreams of big city living" narrative. I'll admit, I romanticized it. I mean, hoooow many times can you watch Sex and The City reruns, without imaging being an aspiring writer with an affinity for designer shoes you can't afford? I lived to re-create my Carrie Bradshaw life. Though in dreaming up my NYC life, I forgot one key piece.
Reality.
My life is not a scripted TV show. Life PERIOD is not a scripted TV show. It's better. And being here by myself on Christmas is kinda the gift I didn't know I needed. Not having money to spend on traveling, or material possessions brought my "Hustle or Die" wheels to a screeching halt. I literally have been forced to be with myself and find new thoughts in the silence that surrounds me. My normal distraction of social media is null and void for now, so I've been thinking more. Reconnecting with hobbies and topics I love. Discovering my own creative voice again, rather than attempting to emulate others I see.
Most importantly, being alone has made me face myself. I've spent most of 2018 navigating through personal development, but also running away from myself. I've always felt an overwhelmed desire to prove my importance to people. I've battled with the unsettling need to highlight everything I've ever accomplished. When really it's because I use those things to try to comfort myself. My goals in a deeper sense have always been set to prove to myself I'm valuable.
This Christmas has given me the gift of a fresh start.
A chance to cleanse and reform in a way I never have before. No voices, no noise, no money, no expectations. Just me, a pint of cookie dough ice cream, and some throwback Spotify playlists. It's not what I would've told you I'd be doing, but is life ever what we think it will be?
Sending love and light always.
Sincerely,
Shelbs
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