Life is weird.
I say this a lot and I really try to find different adjectives to describe it, but I tend to land on this word. The actual definition is "suggesting something supernatural; uncanny". So, I guess weird is the correct term? I find myself in a weird space lately. I feel something down in my soul that is just different. Things are changing. I'm changing. and I do find it uncanny, as the definition would say.
Being completely honest, lately my writing is the most authentic it has ever been. Probably because I stopped putting pressure on myself to be the next big thing. I'm actually just sitting down and writing what I feel about. Candid thoughts and real feelings. For the first three quarters of 2018, I wrote A LOT of pieces that went unpublished. Simply because I was afraid to express my growing self. Yet, finally clicking "publish" again, I'm finding a new place of comfort in my words and expression. Writing has always been my go-to and for awhile I lost the words. Or at least lost how to conceptualize them in a way that wasn't trying to fit the requirements for contributing writer submissions.
I feel like I'm morphing into a new person. A new version of myself. And I like it, but it's....weird. Because I'm caught in a very supernatural seeming phase. It's like I exist in my normal body, but my soul and feelings are transcending time and space. I don't feel as comfortable doing things I did before, but yet I find myself feeling uncomfortable in new situations. Even old habits are now transforming.
Life is weird because well...it just is. Our thoughts, emotions, the way we connect to people. How our hearts can race within an instant, how tears form in our eyes. The days we wake up with the weight of the world on our shoulders. The nights we feel indescribably alive. Simply the process of birth and death. All of these things exist, yet we can't understand them. And personally, I'm coming to realize....we will never understand them. It's okay to not understand what's going on. That's kiiiinda what makes life fun. The thrill of figuring things out as they happen.
It's okay to not have a five-year plan. It's chill to not have all the answers. We place so much emphasis on trying to have it all together, but no one really has it all together. I think when we feel WEirD, that's the sweet spot. Weird is where the magic happens. It's where the change is happening. Eventually when you reach a point where things don't feel weird, it means you've cemented another piece of yourself. We always dream about the end moments. When we get the keys to our house, or when we update that Linkedin profile.
BUT...remember when you felt weird having to buy exactly $50 worth of groceries, so your card wouldn't decline? Remember when you felt the tingle of finally getting hang of your job role, but still not totally confident? Those weird moments are the true bulk of the story. Those moments are what make the feeling of accomplishment worthwhile. Let's be honest, they're usually the best details to re-enact when you tell stories in the future anyways. WHY? Because we ALL go through weird phases. Everyone has real moments.
Everything might not feel comfortable right now, but it's all good. This limbo phase is where we find out the greatest realities of who we are and what we're capable of. If you're feeling weird lately, like you juuuust don't know how to feel about anything, know you're not alone. And you don't have to feel ashamed about it either! Just keep taking it day by day. Step by step. Progress is cool. The process of personal evolution is pretty awesome. Let's give "weird" some more credit. It's fine to acknowledge the "weird" as what it is.
Majority of our life is weird. And strangely enough, I wouldn't want to have it any other way.
Sending love and light always. :)
Sincerely,
Shelbs